Liar, Deceiver, Believer
by katiekat784
Summary: A series of scenes that show the after effects during the months of Emily's "death".
1. Secret

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or anything that you recognize.**_

**Spoilers: Spoilers for season 6 and 7**

**Note: This is an early birthday fic for SQ215**

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**Secrets**

She stumbled through the door, her keys clattered to the floor with a thud. "Oops,"

"JJ, are you alright?" Will asked alarmed as he rushed down the stairs.

"I'm great, fantastic," she slurred

"You're drunk," he stated

"Am not," she protested before tripping over the sofa.

She held her thumb and forefinger a few center meters apart. "Fine, but just a little bit."

He sat her down. "I'll go get you some water."

She grabbed his arm. "Don't leave, there's something that I have to tell you."

He wiggled out of her grasp. "You can tell me after."

"Okay," she agreed dazed

He grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and retreated back to the living room.

She smiled happily, "you're back,"

He sat down next to her. "Yes, now what did you want to say to me?"

She scratched her head trying to remember. "Oh right."

She leaned into him, her breath smelling of Whiskey and Scotch. "I've got a secret."

He waited for her to go on as she looked around. "No one's listening but me."

"Emily's still alive," she whispered then laughed hysterically

"JJ,"

"No, it's true," she yelled

"Jennifer, keep your voice down, Henry's sleeping. JJ, she's in a better place now."

She shook her head. "That's where you're wrong. Aaron and I made sure she got to Paris, we even play online Scrabble. I'm hungry, I'm tired. Can I go to sleep now, William?" She asked dreamily as her eyes closed.

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She woke up in her bed nine hours with her comfiest pajamas on and a pounding headache.

"Will," she called her voice feeling scratchy.

"How are you feeling?" he asked concerned as he opened the bedroom door.

"I've got a headache the size of the planet." She said blinking rapidly until he became clear.

"Then you'll need these." He said handing her a glass of water and two Tylenols.

"Thank you, now what the hell happened last night? I don't remember much." She rubbed her throbbing scull.

"That's what happens when you drink too much," he half scolded her

She groaned then shot up, her eyes full of fear and her voice shaking with worry. "What did I say?"

"You mean besides going on about how you thought that I made us miss our flight going back home from our Honeymoon, nothing." He laughed but it was forced and his smile was tight.

She didn't buy it. "Will,"

He sighed, "You told me how you wished that you could've saved Emily and that you hope she's happy."

She closed her eyes and let out a breath of relief. "Really,"

"Yes, what do you have a secret? Do you love someone more than me?" He asked mockingly

She let out a watery smile. "Yes, he's name is Henry."

They laughed and he made a decision not to let her know that he knew, he couldn't do that to her. What he could do, what he would do is hold her hand while she grieved for a different reason than the others. Pretend to be confused each time she says that he doesn't understand. But most importantly he'll never tell a soul of the secret that's now theirs. He realized that while she keeps her secret, he keeps it too. They share the burden together even if she doesn't know it. And that's the way it'll stay because he knows that eventually that it will try to tear her apart and when it does try he'll be there ready to stop it.

**"The best way of keeping a secret is to pretend you don't know that there is one." - Margaret Atwood**

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**AN This turned out so different than how I envisioned it. This is my first attempt at JJ/Will since it isn't my usual pairing. Regardless, I think that it turned out okay. Happy early birthday SQ215, I hope that you liked it. And thanks to everyone else whose read and hopefully will review this.**


	2. Grief

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or anything that you recognize.**_

**Word Count: 500 words (not including Disclaimer, Word Count or Author's Note)**

**Grief**

She was watching a mindless T.V show, one that she didn't watch normally but nothing was normal anymore. She needed do something numbing, something that she could do without having to think first. Lately, she had to be careful, think every sentence, every word that came out of her mouth through first and pray that she wouldn't slip up. Suddenly a knock at her door had snapped her out of her thoughts. She got up of the couch and answered it.

"Spencer, what are you doing here?" She asked sharply

She mentally kicked herself when she saw his face. "I…I just needed to see you but-"

"I'm sorry, I haven't been feeling that well. Please, talk to me Spencer." She urged as she closed the door behind them.

They sat down on the steps and stayed there in silence. When he spoke it was a whisper. "I loved her,"

"But now she's gone." She looked in his eyes, his sorrowful, grief-stricken eyes and she pulled him to her. As he wept on her shoulder her heart broke and soon she felt her own eyes water.

_No, you don't get to cry._ She scolded herself

They stayed like that even after his sobs died down. They clung to each other as if at any moment the other one would be gone too.

He let go of her and ran to the bushes that covered the side of the house. She ran after him only to find him throwing up what she assumed was his lunch. Now that she stared at him she saw it. The bags under his eyes were prominent like he hadn't slept in days. His normally lean body looked frail and weak. But it was the way he rested against the brick wall that tore her apart.

He couldn't look at her. "It's not uncommon for the loss of appetite, loss of sleep or aching muscles. Did you know that-"

"Spencer," she stopped him. Normally his cute facts spurting would put a smile on her face but now it was only a tactic to avoid talking about the situation.

"I've been having these reactions ever since the second day." He answered her unspoken question.

She was struggling to find words. "I…I didn't know. Are you seeing someone, do you need anything?"

"No, I'm not seeing anyone about it, I can't. I need to go." He told her almost bolting.

"Wait," she called after him. "If you need anything, anything at all,"

He tried to smile. "You'll be the first one that I'll ask."

Later she stared the ceiling then at the clock then back up at the ceiling. She was a coward, a selfish, cruel coward. She should've said that Emily was alive, she should've told him but she didn't. Instead she took the coward's way out and now she had to live with his grief. That night she wept silently, with Will's arms draped around her. Her nightmares would be about the look in his eyes.

**Wow, exactly 500 words. If the next chapter's not up by tomorrow it'll definitely be up on Saturday chapter is written for week 1 of the autumn months of the Criminal Minds Weekly Prompts. ****Your Character is watching T.V late at night when there is a knock at the door. ****Thanks for reading and please review.**


	3. Promise

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize**_

**Word Count: 424 (not counting Disclaimer, Word Count or Author's Note.)**

**Promise**

When she got home she threw her keys on the table, poured herself a glass of wine and sat down on the couch. Will had taken Henry to visit his grandparents for the weekend the day before knowing that she needed time to be alone and think. Once again she was grateful to have a husband as sweet and understanding as Will. There was only one problem with being able to think too much of it made her mind wander to places she really didn't want to go. One of those thoughts was of the promise that she made the day she gave Emily her passports.

"_Passports from three different countries and a bank account in each to keep you comfortable," she said as she handed the package to her._

"_Thank you," Emily took the package hesitantly like once she held it there was no going back._

"_Good luck," she said and was surprised how steady her voice was._

_Before she got up Emily's eyes pierced into hers. "Jennifer, you have to promise me that you'll keep take care of them, keep them safe, for me."_

_JJ could feel Emily's weight being put on to her own shoulders as she stared at Emily. "I promise that I'll take care of them, I'll keep them safe." _

_She nodded, "Goodbye, Jennifer." _

She could still feel the intensity of Emily's stare, the desperate plea in her voice. She could still smell the scent of Paris and taste the coffee she had to drink during their conversation. Everything was still crystal clear as if it only happened yesterday.

Some days she couldn't help but feel as if she somehow had failed to keep her promise to Emily. She was there when Penelope needed a girl's night, she had convinced Derek to help her with her hand to hand combat even though they both knew that it was a rouse to check up on him. She was there every time Spencer needed someone to lean on but was she really keeping them safe, was she really taking care of them? How was she supposed to keep them safe from themselves? It was times like that when she got mad at Emily. How did Emily expect her to keep a promise like that?

She shook herself and gulped down the rest of the wine. She promised Emily that she'd take care of their 'family' and that's exactly what she'll do. She didn't know how but she knew that she'd find a way. She wasn't going to fail, not this time.

**AN I hope that you liked this chapter the next one will be up by Monday. Thanks for reading and please review.**


	4. Confession

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize**_

**Word Count: 426**

**Confession**

She entered the bullpen silently thanking whoever was listening for the rest of the team being gone. She saw the light on in Hotch's office and gently knocked on his door.

"Come in," came his reply

"Do you have a minute?" She asked closing the door.

"JJ, please sit," he said gesturing to one of the seats.

"Is something wrong? Is she okay?" He asked worried

"No, nothing's wrong. I heard from her last week." She reassured him

"JJ, is everything okay with you?" He asked unsure.

She sighed, "No, I don't think that I can do this any longer; I can't keep lying to everyone. I know that it's the only way to keep her safe but it's so hard and everyday it's getting tougher."

"JJ I now it's difficult, it isn't any easier for me either but its way the way that it has to be."

She put her head in her hands. "Is it really? I just I can't handle it anymore I can't."

"I'm tired of seeing Morgan blaming and beating himself up over Emily's death. I'm tired of seeing Spencer's grief and pain not being able to say anything. I'm tired of Penelope not smiling and not being her colorful old self again. I'm tired of lying of lying to them too JJ," he admitted

"I've things were different, if I could, I'd tell Spencer that Emily's alive. I'd ease Morgan's guilt; I'd lift Garcia's sprits up again. Aaron we could tell them, we have the power to change everything but we're not. That's the worst part, that's what keeps me up at night. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this guilt. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard but I can't do this," she confessed nearly in tears.

"You're doing the right thing, you're keeping us all safe," he comforted her and got up to sit beside her on the couch.

She lifted her knees to her chest, an act of vulnerability that he wasn't expecting but it was the desperate tone in her voice that made her seem so young. "I know but at what cost?"

A few tears slowly rolled down her cheeks, he wasn't used to seeing her like that, so defenceless, so open and raw. Then again he figured she needed someone and since he was the only one besides her that knew. He didn't mind, he figured that she had suffered in silence long enough and he was perfectly fine with lending a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen with.

**AN. What do you think? The next chapter will be up by Friday. Thanks for reading and please drop a review.**


	5. Pain

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize **_

**Words: 558**

**Pain**

She had just finished tucking him in bed. "When's Emmy coming back?"

JJ blinked, "huh,"

"When's Aunt Emmy coming back?" He repeated

She pushed some hair out of his face. "I don't know, not for a while."

"I miss her," he stated

She sighed, "So do I Henry, so do I."

"What's wrong with Auntie Pen?" He asked

"What do you mean sweetheart?" She questioned

He spoke softly, "She gets sad when I bring up Aunt Emmy. I ask her why she's sad because Emmy will be back soon but she then she's sadder. Do I make her sad?"

"No Henry, it's not you," she answered

His eyebrows knitted together. "Then why is she sad?"

She thought for a few seconds trying to find the best way to explain this to him. "Your Aunt Penelope misses Emily very much. Aunt Emily and Penelope haven't seen each other in a while and she doesn't know when Aunt Emily's coming back."

He yawned, "Do you speak to Aunt Emily?"

She couldn't bring herself to lie to him. "Sometimes,"

"Tell her that I want her to come back from her trip soon," he mumbled half asleep.

She turned the light off, closed the door and went downstairs to pour herself a drink. She sat down on the couch and put her head in her hands.

"This is getting way too hard," She muttered

"Yes, that's exactly what I say after I put our son to bed. He takes after you, you know. Always on the go, never wants to take a break." Will said as he sat down beside her.

"Hey, I take breaks," she protested

"No you don't, you push yourself so hard. You've been doing it even more lately and I'm worried about you. "

"Will, can we not talk about this." She said putting the glass in the sink

"You're going have to eventually. You can't keep pretending that it didn't happen, JJ." He replied

"Watch me," she told him

"Jennifer," he warned

"Will, everybody has different coping mechanisms. Mine is to keep myself busy and ignore that it happened."

"Is that how you got through your sister's death?"

She spun around to face him, her eyes blazing. "My sister has nothing to do with this so don't bring her up."

"You lost her, you lost Emily, they were both family to you. It's a reasonable conclusion to think that you're hurting in a similar way."

"Why are you doing this? Why are you purposely trying to get me mad?" I asked

"You've been on auto pilot, acting like a robot. It's okay to be weak Jen; you're best friends gone. It's just me, why won't you let me in?" He pleaded

She was fed up with lies so she told him the truth or at least part of it. "I can't Will there are things about her death that I can't talk about. It's not because I don't want to but because it will affect everything. So I'm sorry if I'm shutting you out but I have to, at least for a little while. Can you understand can you just be there for me?"

He nodded, "I can't promise that I understand why you're doing this but I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "Thank you,"

**AN What do you think? I know that it's a little longer but I figured why not. That and I couldn't find a way to make it smaller. Thanks for reading and please review. **


	6. Struggle

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize.**_

**Words: 442 (not including Disclaimer, Title**_, _**AN)**

**Struggle**

_Dear Emily,_

_I know that you won't get this but I have to write. I can't keep doing this, I've talked to Hotch, he's been there for me but I need to write to you. I think Will knows that you're not dead; I mean I told him that there are things about your "death" that I can't say but I know that he knows more than he's saying. He's caught me stumbling a few times but he's never mentioned it._

_Spencer's getting better, he loves you but I think you knew that already. Penelope is starting to smile and laugh again. She's not back to her old self yet but she's stopped staring at the wall of fallen agents. Derek's still blaming himself, I think he always will. His sessions with Hotch are getting better though. Speaking about Hotch, he told me that the Bureau asked if any of them wanted to leave. Rossi asked if I wanted to come back, I'm thinking about it._

_The lies I made are stacked so high that I wouldn't be able to climb over them even with a ladder, they're slowly crumbling too. It's like a leaking boat, you can patch up the holes but if you get too many you're ship sinks. That's what's happening, my ship is sinking and there's nothing I can do about it. However you want to say it the point is that my story's slipping more and more each passing day and I'm struggling to keep hold of it._

_It was harder today, harder than it's been in a while. I can't stand lying to them. I was so close to telling them today. They're going to hate me so much. They'll never forgive me when they find out the truth, the truth that I've been keeping from them._

_I never told him that you were dead; I said that you were on a vacation. I just couldn't lie to him; I couldn't break his heart with things that aren't true. I don't know what to do anymore. Henry asked about you last night, he misses you, we all do._

_You know Ashley's graduated; she's part of the Bureau now. We had a girl's night last week, it was good to see Pen laughing but it wasn't the same. It never will be, at least not until you come back, that it if you ever do come back. I don't think that I'll be able to handle it if you don't come back. I just want to catch that bastard, I want to stop lying. But most of all, I want you to come home again to us. _

**AN: Sorry for the wait, next chapter should be up by Friday. Thanks for reading and please review. **


	7. Emotion

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize.**_

**Words: 487**

**Emotion**

**"Not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth." **

**"I couldn't,"**

**"Couldn't or wouldn't"**

**"What if I had started taking Dilaudid again, would you have let me?" **

**"But you didn't," **

**"I thought about it," **

**"Spence, I'm sorry," **

**"It's too late, alright" **

Emily watched as the scene before her unfold, hating herself even more for causing the pain she was putting through, once again.

Sighing as she looked up at the clock. She finished the last of her paper work and looked around at the deserted bullpen. Everybody had gone home to get ready for Rossi's cooking lesson.

As she was walking towards the elevators, she stopped at the wall of fallen agents. She noticed that they hadn't taken her plaque down yet. JJ told her that Garcia stared at that almost every time she walked by it. She closed her eyes, exhaled then continued walking to the elevator.

She caught the elevator just as it was closing; the only other person in the elevator was Reid.

"Are you going to Rossi's later?" She enquired trying not end up talking about the weather.

"No," he replied

A heavy silence hung in the air and she opened and closed her mouth trying to find something to say.

"Reid," she started unsure where she was going to go from there.

"Yes, Prentiss," he replied coolly

"JJ didn't... it's not like she…" Emily couldn't form a proper sentence.

"JJ didn't mean to lie to me. It's not like she wanted to hurt me. What is it Emily?" He asked fuming

Her hand flickered over the emergency switch before she decided against it. "They were trying to protect me, to keep me safe. No, she didn't want you to get hurt. It killed her Reid, tore her apart to see you like that, to have to lie to you. I know that you're mad at us but-"

"I'm not mad at you," he stated

"You should be. After all I'm the one that started the war with Doyle. I'm the one who put them in that situation," she tried

"Yes, but I didn't come to your door for weeks crying. I know that you're trying to help Emily but don't. What JJ did is unforgivable," he reasoned

She knew that the next words out of her mouth would fuel the already scorching hot fire but she had to say them. "Tell me Spencer, are you mad that she lied to you or are you mad that your genius mind couldn't see it?

"That's low," he spat

"No, what's low is bringing up Dilaudid again like that. As if she didn't feel guilty enough the first time you did it. Do you know that she still blames herself? Or that in those weeks you came to her when you left she cried herself to sleep every time?" She

"She should've told me," he insisted, his voice softening.

"She couldn't have and you know it," she told him gently as the elevator dinged.

"What you're doing isn't helping; it's just making it worse." She said stepping out, leaving him standing in the elevator knowing that she couldn't say anything else that hadn't already been said.

AN It's taken my forever to update and I'm sorry for that. This is the final chapter, so thank you to all that have read, favorited, alerted, reviewed. It means a lot to me. Thank you and don't forget to drop a review to let me know what you think. ;)


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